Take a Leap

March 13

It’s so hard to make someone understand something you get, most especially in the case where this person blatantly believes otherwise. I’ve never been much of a sales person really. I’m not the type who can –or who has the guts to—sell something to someone who doesn’t probably want or need it.

I’ve been selling something HARD this past week, and I honestly don’t know how I’m doing. I’ve been getting so much help from people (and promise, I appreciate it a lot). It’s just so hard to make someone see something that appears so clear to you. Having to explain things seem to sort of remove the awesomeness of having understood something so difficult to others. It’s like no amount of explanation or words could justify the feeling that made you believe or made you change your mind. Much like kids in Christmas... I’ve always loved the feeling of Christmas. I can’t describe it. But I always knew the feeling. It felt good.

I’m glad that many people managed to open their hearts and minds to the feeling that I’ve wanted them to experience. Sadly though, people remain to not see it as most of us do. I can’t blame them. Feelings are tricky things. They get influenced by a lot of circumstances and situations and it’s really difficult to control them once in a while. In as much as I am now controlled by the positive feeling of opening up myself to something so good, they are equally entitled to embrace their feeling of betrayal, disappointment and mistrust.

I know though that sometimes, we are all just fearful of taking the leap into the unknown. IT IS SCARY. But oftentimes, the fear before taking a leap so great, makes it all worth it... and I’m looking forward to that moment. J

Priorities

I am in something one might refer to as: a rut.

Things haven't been too swell lately, academically and otherwise, that there are days when I sincerely feel so down I imagine freezing my ass off in Antarctica. Today though, I feel so fortunate to have attended a class wherein a professor actually took time to lecture not only about medicine but also about life. Today I realized many things. First:

1. You are as strong as you believe you are.

It doesn't matter whether or not your self-perceived greatness is at par with others' parameters. The crucial argument here is that you SHOULD believe in yourself. The moment you lose sight of feeling like you can conquer the world, you lose the chance of actually doing so right then and there.

2. Grades are not the most important things in life.

Well, I knew this long ago. Frankly, I'm not much of a fan of grades. It's just that, when you're surrounded by people who think it matters more than actually enjoying the learning process, you tend to forget. But I take victory in even the small victories in med life. And today, listening to accounts from one of our lecturers, once again, my belief in the greater things in life remain validated. I'd rather not top an exam, only to end up dead even before the results are released (Long story. Ask one of my classmates or ask me when you see me.).

3. One must find time for everything.

In the very monotonous life of med, you must find ways to make time for things that make you happy. (Yes, I know, I said that we should find happiness in studying... but of course, the kind of happiness that a legitimate leisure activity brings is a lot more exciting. HAHA). Frankly, I've set aside my love for books for the past months because I've grown tired of reading transes. But now, I try to make it a point to read at least one chapter per day. Eventually, I will finish a book... then another after that. I want to develop and keep leisure reading as a habit. Even if it's the same activity (READING), by the virtue that they are not of the same substance makes it detoxifying.

4. Positivity is infectious. Spread it around.

Red pill or blue pill? I'm a very transparent person. If it's a crappy day, you can see it in my face. If it's a happy day, well, I'll probably be running around smiling all day. But given the choice which affect to try to apply to daily life, I say go with the positive. I'm not saying that one should simply "ACT" positive--for show--even if they actually want to run over the next person they see (whoever it may be). I'm saying that we all have a choice: to bask in our loneliness or to conquer it head on with head held high. The mark of resilience is being able to persist despite all odds. Why choose to be sad? Why choose to be miserable, when you can be infectiously happy, instead? Find the good amidst the bad and you'll realize that there are a lot of things to be thankful for.

5. When you think there's nothing you can do about it, YOU'RE WRONG.

I am a firm believer in the saying that life is unpredictable. Often, it can surprise you in the most odd of ways. Life is hard. Life is challenging. Whoever says that life is an absolute breeze is either lying or crazy. You will face many different problems and trials which will test you even when you feel you're at wits end. You must remember though that the moment you stop trying, you lose. It's not enough to simply accept what life gives you. We must all take an active role in running our lives: constantly thinking about making good choices and also enjoying every second we decide to make worth remembering.

Writing this post is my way of shunning all the negativity in my life. I don't want to be jaded this early. I still believe that we are all capable of great things. I remain hopeful in the infinite possibilities ahead. The pep talk that our lecturer gave earlier made me feel that sometimes, all it takes is for one person to believe in you. I probably won't end up having the highest grades, I probably won't finish at the top of my class, learning things like a breeze. But I know that it doesn't just stop there. Those are not the only things that matter.

BOTTOMLINE:

We all are whom we will ourselves to be.

Passion is not just a Fruit.

I came across a friend's status message on Facebook and it got me thinking. The post was about finding something to be passionate about.

In medschool, we are constantly bombarded with an insatiable amount of information, all of which we must chew and digest. This incessant learning is something we do 24/7, including weekends... and it's just hard. It's hard to make time for other things in life. It's hard to make time for family, for friends, for relationships, for hobbies, and for other things. There is little room for having passion in life, as it is mostly expected to be medicine and nothing else.

But well, I found it helpful to regain my passion for writing through this blog. I don't even know if anyone bothers to read my musings (Heck, I haven't even told anyone -- save for ONE friend -- that I am the proud owner of a blog in cyberspace; I didn't even give her the URL. Haha.). Still, this release and this need to be in touch with my inner thoughts and my creative cells drive me to constantly find things that interest me, things that I would find worthy to write about.

Usually it just begins with a thought, then I start typing. Words form and somehow, things eventually fall into place. Something that once began as an idea, springs into a coherent story, hopefully into a good piece at that.

I'm proud to say that so far, this blog has done just that: It has enabled me to release my thoughts and empower again my once sleeping (zombie-ish and routinary) brain.

It feels good to be passionate about something again.

No Regrets

Two years ago, I wrote a blog post as I was leaving my job and applying for med school. Reading it now, I had no idea that things would turn out this way. At that time, I can remember that I was insisting that I wanted to be in UPCM and that being a doctor was something that I really wanted to do, enough to not care whether it was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do in my life.

I just wanted to share it, seeing that to this day, I have no regrets. But a lot of things have changed. A lot of things surprised me. And that makes me hopeful for the future. 'Cause you never really know for sure what things have yet to come.

"It seems as though just a few blog posts ago, I was talking about having to start another page in my-oh-so-predictable life: WORKING. Little did I realize, not until now, that it has really been 4 months already... FOUR MONTHS since I had a LEGITIMATE job.

Unfortunately though, the time has come for me to leave--with the advent of my contract's end. Still, my stay has been exciting, challenging, and enjoyable (among other things ^_^). As a tribute (also, as inspired by Jade), I shall enumerate the memorable experiences I had:

:)

• land the first job I've ever applied to and have been interviewed for
  
• process documents (SSS, NBI, for the others-thanks sa StaffRIGHT) that made me feel like a legitimate citizen of the Philippines
• coming on my first day, wearing a white blouse and brown slacks
• administering my first test, complete with buckle-ing, cold hands, and shaky voice
• being at work for 12 hours straight
• mistakenly have an applicant wait for 2 hours for feedback that I could've given in less than 15 minutes
• blank out in the middle of a phone interview because the applicant had call center experience, and at that time, I DIDN'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE JOBS AND WHAT QUESTIONS TO ASK (Imagine how the call ended. Haha)
• think about a scene from a Koreanovela in the middle of an actual meeting with the bosses in the Board Room (sorry na, parang My Girl reminder talaga yung Board Room namin. Kulang na lang si Julian. ^_^)
  
• pag-kickout sa New Hire Trainees papuntang Secret Room kapag medical mission ang mga applicants (Hehe. Hi DANA! Hi ISTINE!)
• FastBytes meals (Samurai: Meryenda Meals and Takoyaki Balls, McDo: breakfasts (that eventually cause us to not eat anything else for the day), 7-11: primary yosi and 1.5 L Gatorade Blue source, Chicken Bacolod: lunch with Dana and Christine and OUR FAVORITE LECHE FLAN, Jollibee: 39ers lunches 'pag nagtitipid, Country Style: bagels, snoboard doughnuts, and Birthday Spaghetti
• ka-adikan sa FudgeeBarr, Lemonade from the vending machine, Turon, libreng kape, at unlimited supply of paper towels (perfect for colds ^_^)
• pa-iba-ibang mood ng mga bantay na guwardiya :D
• being late for work for just 1 minute, more than once
• people watching/bashing: girl in SHOCKING yellow pants -- di masasagasaan, 5-inch stiletto heeled girl -- mukhang hirap na hirap sa paglalakad, pitis boy -- parang di bumili ng t-shirt since grade 5 siya
• kwentuhan with Tito Joey, leaving love notes with Patti, Jos, and Mommy Jo
• Chocolate Dome Cake surprise from GE Recruitment Team (Yum!)
• English booboos during examinations
• compiling FUNNY (and UNBELIEVABLE) APPLICANT ANSWERS (I shall make a separate post for this someday)
• compiling UNIQUE FILIPINO SURNAMES (I shall make a separate post for this someday... again.)
• car watching in between tests- making reports daily, answering phone calls, interviewing people, administering tests
• learning GERMAN and ITALIAN through the Living Language books
• going out with Jaypee, Edward, Kitel, Jade and Riva only once at Filinvest (sa Exit Interview ko, sana matapat ng sweldo para makapunta ko sa Makati!)
• chika moments with the trainees, mega-encouragement and all
• talking about various topics with Jade: politics, friends, manners and upbringing, taxes, clothes and shoes, food glorious food, the idea that someday we will get rich and live abroad, life abroad, family matters, gadgets, cars and gas consumption and toll fares, jobstreet, lovelife crisis and shrink therapy sessions, life down south as opposed to the fast paced life in makati, psychology, tranportation mode (Troesch, 2008) Haha. Kasama na rin dun ang pagbasa ng mga sulat at pagtingin ng mga pictures from the past. (Haha. Si Mr. Legs)
• meeting lots of people, making friends, and trying to do the job well
• tediously revising databases to be more centralized and efficient in computing stats
• lots of photo moments: at the secret room with Riva's cellphone and Jos' camera, at Plaza B and Luneta still with Riva's phone, random places like FastBytes and malls
• finish encoding 6 months worth of applicants' resumes in JUST THREE DAYS. Imagine how many applicants we had all in all! Libo.
• tasting Jade's gourmet pasta (FAVORITE), conversations between food makers (Riva and Jade) and food eaters (Tin and Dana) Hahaha.
• riding bluey from the front of Plaza B to the parking lot
• Mood Ring days (Wear jeans to work)
• shredding (by hand, meaning tearing) the remaining documents that have been encoded... marami-rami din yun
• cleaning up SRS stuff one by one to ensure that a good transition is made

Haay. Apparently, listed down a lot of things. I'm gonna miss all of these when I leave. Bakit nga naman kasi kung kelan inuugat ka na, saka ka pa bubunutin. Oh well, that's life. I must say though, that this has been a really good experience for me. I had fun with my job, I loved the environment, and I've grown to know and love the people I work with."

Stop. Think. Not.

People have problems. It's normal for people to have problems. What people do about them depends and responses can range from the mildest of ignorance to the most enraged of commotions.

For so long, I've had this image of myself as someone who can give someone a run for his/her money in a fight. I've had thoughts of running someone over, pulling someone's hair, getting a good punch in (yes, I really am not the most non-violent person around... beware of leaving your kids with me), among many others, but I've never gotten around to fulfilling these innermost desires of mine. Blame it perhaps on social desirability, or my incessant need to be in good terms with people. Maybe it could also be because I dislike confrontation. Yes, I can be confrontational, but I don't like being confrontational ALL THE TIME (especially about things that really don't matter).

I say that I rank my problems based on intensity, urgency, and people involved. In general, there are certain people with whom I cannot have prolonged bouts with. Intensity can also determine whether or not I want to confront already or not. I know I can be one of the most patient persons ever, but there is a limit to everything.

There are acute problems, chronic problems, problems that you just want to do without, problems you cannot believe you have, problems that were given to you by another, problems that look easy but are really not, and problems about problems being problems. GEEZ.

The world is simple. We just make it complicated for ourselves.

Stop thinking already.

Are you happy about it?

Time is something that I always feel I don't have enough of. I feel as if I don't have enough time to study, time to sleep, be with my family, relax and unwind... It makes me wonder whether or not there really isn't much time to work with or could it just be me?

I've asked myself countless of times what it is that I could be doing wrong, what it is that makes time whisk away. I've tried to employ various techniques to make me feel like I'm on track of things. But I don't really understand where my time goes and where it goes to hide.

I went to Booksale, a place that I usually seek refuge in during times of stress. I found a book entitled "First Things First". It was written by Stephen Covey, author of the Seven Habits series. I wanted to buy it 'cause I saw interesting things in it, but well, I didn't have the money for it yet. So that will have to be for another day. I saw lots of interesting things in it, though. It seems to be the perfect book with all the answers to my questions.

Why does it feel like I don't have enough time to go around? Come to think of it, aren't we all just the same? We are all also just people who make choices. Whether we like it or not, the choices we make everyday have profound effects in our lives, and the mere choice of whether or not take a car or commute to work can spell the difference between being late for work or not.

IN THE END, IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.

If you spent your time doing something you love, then chances are, you won't feel bad about it. Cognitive dissonance plays a big role though. But that's another story altogether.

Bursts

"I was hopeful that today would be the beginning... the beginning of second chances, renewed hopes, and anticipation of good things to come. Everyday, I learn something new about people. Everyday, I get the chance to realize just how much of the world I take in and how much of myself I really put out there for others to see. "

I wrote this earlier this year.

In college, I frequently get bursts of thoughts, snippets of ideas that make me think critically and formulate theories on how random things or occurrences come to be. I get this high from having an idea that snowballs in my brain into a discussion. I get this high from feeling the passion again, the passion in having something to write about... something that matters (to me, at least).

Slowly, I think I'm easing back into organizing my thoughts. I actually think that having an outlet for organized thought somehow helps me in remembering things better. In so much as I want to spend time worrying about the next exam or memorizing the littlest of details from the latest trans from my transbox, I am refreshed at the fact that I can once again sit down peacefully, face my laptop, and pour out my thoughts even in the face of uncertainty as to whether or not someone's actually listening.

All Things Medical

As I am typing this on the keyboard of my E71, I am again waiting for my turn to see my doctor. She's been taking care of my very out of whack body for the past 2 years already. I'm very grateful that despite my being non-compliant, everytime I come to her, I ALWAYS get better afterwards. She's very great at what she does.

Sidenote: being surrounded by pregnant women in the clinic, I wonder if they think I'm expecting a baby as well. Haha.

I missed visiting my usual roster of doctors. I just think that the habit of consulting was instilled in me very early, coming from a family of doctors and all. I can self-medicate like any normally hard-headed patient would. But well, my dad's friends and collegues have constantly been within reach, taking care of me for as long as I can remember. I have a dermatologist, an endocrinologist, an ophthalmologist, and an ob-gyn... doctos from the 4 fields I've ever had problems with. I'm very fortunate.

It's just so weird now that I'm a medical student, that I somehow cannot control always trying to second guess diagnoses and stuff. I feel like such a raw excuse of a doctor. Still, it's nice when you, at least, get part of the diagnosis right. Good enough.

Well, the view's very much different coming from the patient side. In so much as I wish I can help people know what's wrong with them, in some twisted way as well, I like being cared for. Plain and simple. I enjoy going to the doctor, getting x-rays, lab tests and all sorts of things done. (I hate urinalysis, though). I like being confined in the hospital. Weird, right?!

Come to think of it, I've always had good memories in hospitals. I used to come with my dad all the time to his clinics. I practically grew up in a hospital, playing those magnetic rotating fishing games while waiting for my dad to end his clinic so we can go to SM Makati and eat Takoyaki balls from Samurai.

In a few years, that will be me. Hopefully I get to start my practice by then. I'll still enjoy being the same person who likes hospitals, but more than just being on the receiving end, I will get a chance to be the one who makes a difference in others' lives.

One More On The List

When people find out that I'm a medical student, the first thing that they immediately ask is: "Anung gusto mong specialization?" To which, I usually reply: "'Di ko pa po alam eh", with matching awkward laughter. In the past 3 days though, I found that I enjoyed Ophthalmology a lot. :)

I saw how diagnostics and surgery go hand in hand. Sentro Oftalmologico is a very cool place. It doesn't feel like PGH at all. I learned that there are only 2 TRUE OPHTHALMOLOGIC EMERGENCIES (meaning, no haggard lifestyle as everything can be scheduled accordingly). Ophthalmologists get to use all sorts of technology in their practice. Residency takes 3 years only and that includes surgical training already. Isn't that great?

I have now bumped Ophtha to the top half of my list of potential specializations.

Now, I just have to get through 4 years of med school and the board exams.

Yay.

And I realized all that in the span of three days. Man, not having any patient interaction in the most real sense of the context makes one's perspective kind of skewed in a way.

Oh well.

First.

For the longest time, I've been dealing with the fact that medical school is hard. Not to mention that I am already on my second year and it has been known to be one of the most difficult years of all. These past 2 months, I have found myself, day in and out, studying countless nights (and dawns) for weekly exams that seem unending.

Last week though, for our Hematology module, I got the chance to meet the first patient I had to do a case report on. Exciting, right? Here is a chance to get a fresh perspective on healthcare, going beyond the books that I've grown used to.

The patient is Mark. He's relatively of the same age as most of the people in my class. He was diagnosed with Leukemia 2 years ago and has been in and out of hospitals since.

Talking with him made me think about how it might feel like to be him: stuck in a hospital with around 30 other people who were sick. Knowing how much you want to be better, but forever be bound by financial limitations to health. Art of Medicine classes now come to my mind. We have been taught in the College of Medicine that it is also important to care for our patients more than biologically; addressing, instead, their needs on a more biopsychosocial level. The hospital can make you jaded, though. I bet there will come a time wherein we would find it corny to ask how a patient feels about his/her sickness rather than ask for signs and symptoms that can guide us in finding diagnoses and eventually--treatments.

The system can eat you. I don't want to wait for the time when I won't notice how I treat patients. Being a med student makes me forget sometimes, how people in the hospital are basically just that, PEOPLE. I can get too preoccupied with thinking of deadlines, countless things to do, studying for the next big exam that I get too caught up in this little nook of mine. I forget that there's a whole world of individuals out there, with their own problems, dilemmas, and issues. Seeing it in that light though, somehow I am relieved and still very much thankful... for everything.